How can I trust her?
ImageI have been in a loving relationship for over a year now and we live together. She went to Mardi Gras last week, and I was extremely nervous about it because she cannot control her sex drive when she's been drinking.

She assured me that nothing would happen, but I found out through other sources that she was kissing another man while there.  I have not confronted her about it because it would damage the trust between the person who told me and me.  I don't know if there were other men she kissed or had any other type of sexual contact with. 

I stayed home and watched her three children while she was away, and feel hurt and betrayed by this.  I think part of the problem is that she got pregnant at a very young age to a deadbeat father, and soon thereafter married another man whom she had two more kids with that lasted seven years.  She did not have the freedom as a single, young woman to get the partying out of her system. 

I have always been loyal and honest with her, but I know that things like this have happened in the past at the very beginning of our relationship.  I love her very much and do not want to lose her, but at the same time I am having major trust issues.  I do not want to be nervous every time she goes out with her friends without me there to keep an eye on her.  I should not have to be.  She has been much more attentive and loving to me since her return, but that’s obviously guilt.  Her friends have been acting strangely toward me, and it makes me very uncomfortable because I feel they are hiding a lot more than what I know happened while she was away.  We always talk about our future plans together, but I'm fearful that there won't be enough trust left in me to have a future with her. What should I do to regain the trust that I have lost?


ImageYou’re in a tough spot and in my opinion there’s really only one answer, and that’s for the two of you to go to see a relationship therapist. She may love you as much as you love her, but it seems that she doesn’t have the will power to remain faithful. Now it might only happen when she goes away as she did, and Mardi Gras is a time when many people let their inhibitions down, especially if a lot of drinking is involved, but what happens when she wants to go again next year? Or, as you said, if she wants to go out with some friends? It’s not fair to you to have to worry about what she’s doing, or if she comes back with liquor on her breath, what she’s just done. So you can’t just let this slide. Now if you two have a talk, she’s probably not going to admit anything, so you’ll get nowhere, especially if you don’t want to betray the confidences of a friend. But a therapist will talk to each of you alone. In that situation she can admit what she did. Once she admits it openly, and especially to a professional therapist, she may also discover how to obtain the backbone to remain faithful. I’m not saying going to a therapist is going to give you a guarantee, but it may give you a little more piece of mind. Without that, I’m not sure you should stay together, not so much because of what did or did not happen, but because of how you’re going to feel in the future if you stay together with this situation unresolved.

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