 My husband is 55 years old, in good health and is a provider in the medical field. He has told me a woman's genitals gross him out.
He doesn't like the look or feel of them and the fact that women have monthly menstruations grosses him out even more. Also, he doesn't like the smell of a vagina even after showering and always having good hygiene. I will try to get him engaged in touching me vaginally with his fingers and touching my breasts for foreplay, but he is unable to get an erection until either one of us masturbates his penis. I always have to insert his penis into my vagina probably because he is uncomfortable touching me there. I would say half of the time we are having intercourse, he interrupts it to masturbate, possibly to maintain his erection and sometimes penetrates at the last few moments before he ejaculates. It was even this way for him when he was much younger. He does not like breasts much and vaginas, but loves touching and viewing naked butts. This is what he likes the best! He asks for anal sex from time to time while we are having sex even though I have told him many times before that I don't like it or want it this way. It surprises me that the look, feel and smell of anal sex doesn't gross him out, but that vaginal sex does. Oral sex has become his preferred sexual preference with me and vaginal sex his least favorite. Also, he has never been able to get an erection while watching porn videos (heterosexuals) with me which I don't understand. Also, he doesn't allow me to show him any affection by touching him in a non-sexual way at home or especially in public. He never touches me affectionately either except an occasional kiss if no one is looking.
I asked him if he was gay after finding a music CD he burned from ITUNES with mostly gay and Lesbian POP song artists. An additional song was from Hall and Oates, "Some things are better left unsaid." He still denies being gay. We have been married 21 years and have two almost grown kids. I have suspected for at least half our marriage that he might be gay, but I haven't been able to prove it. I have become aware of his behaviors over the course of our marriage.
What do you think? I feel like sex is just for his pleasure and that I am undesirable as a woman even though he says I am desirable when I ask. I don't know what to do. I know in my heart I love him, but it is affecting how I feel about myself. He says it's all in my head. I know I am not crazy, but I am very confused.
 It does sound to me like he is gay but doesn’t want to admit it to you or anyone else. But of course I’m basing this on hearsay evidence, what you’ve written. Now let’s say that this is true. You say you love him. Are you willing to put up with having sex like this for the rest of your life? If the answer is no, then it really doesn’t matter whether he’s gay or not, does it. Of course as an older woman, it might be difficult to find a replacement. So there are lots of factors in deciding what to do. I wish I could snap my fingers and give you the perfect solution, but I’m afraid there isn’t one. You just have to think long and hard about this and make up your mind. If you decide that you can live with the situation as it is, then you have to stop wondering about whether he is gay or whatever, because that will just drive you crazy. But if you feel you can’t put up with it, then you have to make a concerted effort to find out what is going on, probably by going to see a therapist, and then if you can’t fix it, making the decision to part ways.
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