 I have been dating my current boyfriend for the past two years. We've always had amazing sex. Recently, I read some instant messages he was sending his friend’s girlfriend about pills that would put me to sleep.
He told her he wanted them so he can have sex with me while I'm unconscious. At first, I wasn't that taken aback by it since we like to play those kinds of games, but it was always role playing. It was never with me not being able to do anything. So the more I thought about it, the more it broke my heart. He wanted to give me Vicodin or Valium and get me drunk and take advantage of me. I couldn't believe he would want to do that, especially since he's never disrespected me in any way during the relationship. This is especially hurtful because he knows how all the other men in my life have hurt me, from step-fathers to brothers to exes. All have abused me, physically and emotionally. I confronted him about it that same night and we ended up having a really heated argument. He swore up and down that he would've asked me beforehand that it was just a stupid fantasy, and that after he saw how much it hurt me (I was crying by then) that he would never think about it again. We made up soon after. However, now I feel that my trust in him has been shaken. I trust him in all other aspects, but sexually, I just can’t be as open as I used to be, and I fear that he's also lost interest in me. There’s no affection and hardly any intimacy. When I tried talking to him, he got upset and changed the subject. I tried to lead by example, but it just seems to go over his head. Every other conversation we have is great and all other aspects of the relationship are normal. It’s just the sex that's sort of being swept under the rug. Please help. I don't know what else to do.
 I don’t believe him. Sorry, but judging only by what you’ve told me, I think he did want to knock you out. Now maybe he would have asked you, and maybe he wouldn’t have, but what a strange idea to begin with. Two people who are in love want to be with each other when they’re making love. They don’t want the other person to be unconscious. I admit that I haven’t heard his side of the story, but my gut instinct is to say that you need to get out of this relationship. Apparently you’ve had some very bad experiences with men, and perhaps he’s someone who sensed that he could take advantage of you because of that. The fact that he seems to have lost interest in you now that this idea is off the table also makes me worry about the state of this relationship.
Now I’m not suggesting that you leave him as soon as you read this just because that’s the impression I got. What I do suggest is that you look more carefully into this relationship. Perhaps go to see a relationship therapist. Or at least talk to some friends about this. If he’s telling the truth and it was a fantasy that you might have agreed to and he would not have used the medication if you didn’t want to try it, and most of all, if everything else about the relationship is really good, then hopefully you’ll be able to forgive him and things will eventually get back to the way they were. But if after a careful examination you begin to see another pattern developing, one that has other negative aspects, then you’ll have to give more serious consideration to ending it.
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