How do I deal with my man's fear of abandonment?

ImageI was watching the episode of "Quantum Leap" where you were talking to Al about how he sabotaged relationships because of his fear of abandonment. I'm involved with a man whose mother died suddenly when he was 14 and he was raised by an aunt and uncle. His father wasn't in the picture. He has not been able to commit to anyone and every time we get too close, he starts backing off.

It suddenly made sense to me when I saw you talking to Al. I just don't know what to do with that information. I've been thinking of breaking it off with him again, but I don't want to be another person that abandons him. I really love him and when things are good with us, they are truly amazing. I don't know what to do. How do I get through to him and help him?

ImageIt was a long time ago that I was on that show, but it was a fun experience, and since it replays over and over, it gets seen by a lot of people, though I have to admit, you are the first who has asked me a question based on the content of the show, rather than the experience of doing it. And its quite a good question, so please accept my compliments.

I think the answer to your question is that the two of you need to go for counseling. You dont say whether or not he understands why he is afraid to commit, but for the two of you to commit to each other, he has to understand what is going on and learn how to overcome his fear. That might not be something that he can do on his own, or with just your help. The two of you may need some professional guidance. It might not take many sessions, but if you can get him to go for help, I believe that would go a long way toward solving your problem.

You also said, when things are good with us, which means that sometimes things arent so good. That wouldnt be caused by a fear of commitment. I dont know what is occurring between the two of you, but if there are other issues besides this one, then your decision of whether to stay or go may have to be based on the entire picture. That would be particularly true if he refuses to go for help. Of course, if you do go for help, and there are other issues, then hopefully the counselor will be able to assist you in overcoming those as well. Good luck and let me know how things work out.

 
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