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He Can't Have Children, Should My Daughter Still Marry Him? |
 My daughter is engaged to be married soon. The last 2 weeks have made her life topsy-turvy.
Her fiancé found out that he cannot have children. This has been devastating news for him. He is now questioning why they should marry if he cannot have children. In addition, he says that they do not have a great sex life. She loves him and he says that he loves her. However, his doubts have left her an emotional wreck. They have seen a therapist twice since he received his news of impotence. My daughter does not know whether to go through with the marriage. I am worried about her emotional health. What would you say to her?
 I think the key piece of information you’ve given is that all this has occurred in the last two weeks. That’s just not enough time to absorb what has happened, or react to it. I think of some of what each of them are saying is not what they really believe, but just a reaction to this news. For example, when he says that they shouldn’t get married if they cannot have children, I think what he’s really doing is giving her an out. He doesn’t want his impotency thrown at him later on, so he’s giving her the opportunity to back out now. Then if she later were to say something negative to him about his inability to have children, he could say, “I offered you not to get married so don’t blame me.” So I would advise them to put everything on hold for a month or two, and not even discuss the situation. Then, when they’ve calmed down, they can talk about it a more sanely.
While they cannot have children that share their genes, they can still have children, either via adoption or she could be fertilized artificially. And once you have children, you stop thinking about their biological background. They become yours and that’s that. So while I don’t want to downplay what has happened, it doesn’t mean that as a couple they can’t have children.
That their sex life has problems is perhaps related to his problems, or maybe has another source. At some point they should probably go to see a sex therapist to find out if they can learn how to have a healthy sex life. But not now, as it’s too early after having learned this news.
So let them wait this out for a bit, and then take a second look at their options. Hopefully when they’re a bit more removed from the initial shock of learning this news, they’ll be able to figure out the right course of action.
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