When we first met we typically had sex quite regularly and it was (as all sex in the begging is) very exciting and satisfying. During different periods over the last 2+ years when he has been unhappy with his job, had other personal stress, etc., his interest in sex waned.

I find that in my 30s I am more interested in sex than ever before. My doctor says that this is because my body knows my biological clock is ticking and wants to procreate. We both want children and hope to have them fairly soon after we are married.

I try to keep things lively in our sex life and to be inventive and adventurous and he says he likes that, too. Although we have had sex twice this week and he ejaculated both times (not necessarily typical since we live together and more often have it a couple of times a month at most), I still caught him masturbating to porn on the internet and he explained that he sometimes can't ejaculate during sex and tries to do it to porn because it is impersonal and sometimes works better. I thought he was holding back his ejaculation in the past as I was concerned about getting pregnant and while we use contraceptives (although I have blood pressure issues, so there have been periods when I couldn't take the pill), we stopped using condoms a long time ago.

Predictably I got a bit upset. Not because I have a major issue with porn, but rather because it makes me question why he sometimes can't release with me. I told him I don't have an orgasm every time with him either and that is apparently normal, but it bothers me enormously that he has twice this week with me (very obvious) and still has to masturbate to porn. I understand that men often have greater sexual desire than women, but honestly this is not the case here. Often when I want to, he doesn't. He says it's not about me and I do actually believe this, but it worries me that he has some mental or physical block. Is this just his age or could it be something else?

There’s a lot going on here and so all I can offer is conjecture. If you really want to find out what is going on, you’re going to have to go to a therapist, who will talk to him alone and maybe learn the truth that way.

One possibility is that he’s hooked on masturbating to porn. If he releases a lot of sexual tension that way, then he’s not going to also have the desire to have sex with you.

He may be very frightened of causing a pregnancy. He may feel that he’s not ready to have kids and so that reaction is making him shy away from having sex with you, or ejaculating when he does.

He could have a physical problem. If he’s out of shape, maybe his circulation is poor and he has problems getting an erection. He’s ashamed of that and so stays away from having sex.

And it could even be a combination of effects; the ones I mentioned or something else. If this really bothers you, and if he won’t admit the truth, then you’ll need professional help to get to the bottom of this.