Is He Just Insecure?
ImageMy husband and I have had very poor sex life since I can remember. I am 6 years older than him, and more experienced in sex.

He has only had a few sexual encounters before me and I feel that he is insecure about his sexual performance. I have tried before to approach him for sex, and, in the beginning, I was doing most of the approaching. I have always been a very passionate person and very playful and creative during sex. It has awys been very important to me.

It has been 5 years now, and I am feeling pretty desperate for some sort of passion and interest in sex from him at all. He recently told me that he feels sex is a "chore". Insulting doesn't even describe it. He says that he has talked to his married friends and that they have a boring sex life as well. I asked him "but do they have sex?" And he said he guessed so... My reply was... well at least they are still having sex with their wives! I know he has no real interest in being "intimate" and he could do without sex almost completely. He has also mentioned his "lack of emotion" and I would be scared if I knew how few emotions he has.

To make matters worse, he has a highly defensive attitude towards porn, and, after many arguments, has lied to me about his use of it. He has told me that women don't understand, all men use it, and that I need to accept it. Bringing the subject up to him now only gets me a " I will not talk about this." I truly feel it is affecting his view on sex, and our sex life. He has been into porn since he was young.. teens. I think it is the only way he really is comfortable with sex. He describes it as "easy".

I feel completely abandoned intimately, and am having thoughts of cheating more and more. Please understand, I love my husband, but the snuggles he loves are the extent of our physical connection.... Bottom line, the lack of emotional, and physical connection is truly killing me inside! Help!

ImageAs I was reading your e-mail, my first thought was that the two of you just have very different libidos, and sometimes theres nothing you can do about that. But then when I read that hes masturbating while looking at porn instead of having sex with you, it showed that my initial reaction was wrong.

So what should you do about this, especially since youve talked about it and hes not indicated a willingness to change? My suggestion is to go see a sex therapist. Im not saying this because I think there is anything is wrong with you. Im making this suggestion because it will send him a very strong message that this is a serious issue. Hopefully youll get him to go with you, even if not the first time. Hes certainly not going to be able to tell an expert that its OK to masturbate instead of having sex with your wife. And the therapist will also be able to advise you on how to get him to accompany you.

What if he digs in his heels and refuses to go or change? You mentioned having an affair. My advice would be to end the marriage and then find someone new who will satisfy you, both sexually and emotionally. Having an affair is probably going to doom the marriage in any case, but the type of person you have an affair with is not necessarily the type of person you have a relationship with. So the affair will only be a waste of time. Better to end the marriage so you are completely free to find the right person to marry the next time.

 
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