Should We Allow Our 14-Year Old to Have Sex in The House?
Image My husband and I have custody of my 14 year old niece. She has seen a lot and knows a lot about sex. My husband says that we should let her do it in our home as long as she doesnt bring it out of her room in front of our two children.

He says she is going to do it anyway, which I agree with, but I say I dont want that going on in my home because I do have the two children who could learn more than they need to way to young and I dont feel comfortable myself with it. He preaches safe sex, safe sex, safe sex but that doesnt mean he can make sure she is being safe even if she is here. What should we do? We are having HUGE arguments over this. Please Help!!

Image I get many questions and I can only answer a few, and when I read yours, my first reaction was to go on to the next one because your situation is very difficult. But realizing that the welfare of a 14-year old was at stake, made me change my mind.

The first thing I want to say is that parents, or guardians, can make sure that children understand everything there is to know about sex without also granting them a license to have sex. Thats at any age, but particularly at 14, which in my opinion is far too young to be having sex. Sometimes a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, and she might know some things but have gaps that could get her into a lot of trouble. And if youre uncomfortable talking to her, then get her an age-appropriate book. Since she seems to be very curious, Ill bet shell read it. When you give it to her, its important to let her know that youre available to answer any questions, and you should probably ask her a day or two after you give it to her if she has any.

Young girls who do not receive their fathers affection will very often reach out to some boy for affection and when theyre in that type of vulnerable state, that can lead to a sexual relationship. Since her father is not around, you didnt say why you now have guardianship, your husband has to take on that father figure role. The last thing he should be doing in that capacity is giving her permission to have sex, either in his house or outside of it. He needs to let her know that he loves her, he needs to give her hugs (if shell accept them) and be as important a figure in her life as possible. I dont know if he can replace her father, but he needs to try. But ultimately the message he needs to be giving her is that she is loved and doesnt need to reach outside your home to find love.

Can you prevent her from having sex outside your home? Probably not. If you think whatever circumstances led to you being her guardian have done some psychological damage, then maybe you need to offer her professional counseling. But if shes seems relatively well adjusted, and is looking to boys her age for comfort, and to keep that comfort coming is having sex, then the best thing you can do is to make your home a place of refuge for her. Maybe, even if not right away, shell sense that and use it that way. Allowing her to have sex under your roof will only make matters worse. Once that happens, once the boys in the neighborhood know they can have sex with her at your house, shell have no place of refuge where she can be a little girl. And obviously it wouldnt be a good example for your children either.

So you face a tough situation. You might not be able to control her, but right now I would say what she needs most from you is your love, and the knowledge that she doesnt have your permission to have sex. The more love you can give her along with being her backbone, so to speak, i.e. an excuse she can use to tell the boys that she cant have sex, the more protection from predatory young males youll be giving her


 
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