He Had An Affair - Can I Trust Him Again?

ImageWe have been together 32 years. Then last month I found out my husband was having sex with another woman. 

I asked him about it and he said he had, but only 5 times in six months and it was only sex no love, because he has never stopped loving me.  He just thought since we haven't had sex in years I wasn’t interested any more.  I told him the only reason we haven't had sex is because the last time we tried he couldn't get it up and every other time he had been drinking so much I figured I wasn't attractive any more. He said this kind of thing happens to men sometimes, so I waited. I didn't bring it up again because I didn't want to cause any more problems.  After I found out about the other woman, he said he would never do anything again and he loved me and would do what ever it took to win my trust and love again. After that we had the best sex ever. Then yesterday I find out he had sex with another woman about a year ago and both woman still call him.  He said it was just friendship nothing else.  I told him I had a hard time believing that If he was just in to it for sex then how can they still be friends. He said they were happy for us.  I told him the way I see it you have to have feelings to be a friend and still keep in touch. He said he doesn't see it that way but if it would make me happy he would tell them no more friendships or talking.  Am I crazy for believing that he truly believes he has no feelings for these women ,or am I just too sensitive?  I want to believe him, love him, and want  both of us do to get though this.  I will be sharing your answer with him.

ImageSince these weren’t prostitutes and he had to talk them into having sex with him, of course there were feelings shared between them. But “feelings” aren’t love. What he’s saying is that he wasn’t in love with them or having a torrid affair, but all parties were using each other to get sexual satisfaction.   And then there are lies and there are white lies. The latter are used to protect the other person, and in this case I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he is using white lies to protect you and my advice would be to allow this to happen.

And now I want to jump to another issue, as it is the cause of your problems, and that’s that so many older couples don’t know about the physical changes that occur as men and women get older, and allow these changes to sabotage their sex life, and in many instances, their marriages.  For example, as a man gets older, he loses the ability to have a psychogenic erection, an erection that come just from thinking about sex. At that stage, he needs physical stimulation to become erect. If he starts thinking “She doesn’t turn me on any more” or she says to herself “I used to be able to turn him on” then they can drift apart, sexually speaking. But if they know what the problem is, and communicate about it, all that has to happen for their sex life to continue unabated is for either one of them to give physical stimulation to his penis for him to have an erection. So after 32 years together, you needed to make some adaptations to the changes brought on by age, but since you failed to recognize the real problem, you just gave up on sex. And since he still had the desire, he went elsewhere.  But he wasn’t going elsewhere for affection, but only sexual satisfaction. So every couple has to be on the lookout for these physical changes so that instead of believing that they mean the end of your sex life, they only announce the beginning of a new phase where both the man and the woman need foreplay in order to have sex. 

 
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