I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a little over a year.  I feel that masturbating is perfectly harmless in terms of our relationship, but my girlfriend is bothered by it. 

{It seems to me that she feels threatened by it, because it seems like a way of getting sex while bypassing her.  She became especially upset when I admitted (she began questioning me about the subject and I didn't want to lie to her) that I sometimes fantasize about other women when I masturbate.  These fantasies don't involve me, they are usually solo (masturbatory) or lesbian fantasies, and the characters are random women who I see in my day-to-day activities that are attractive.  This upset her greatly, and she says she feels this is basically the same as cheating.  I feel that it is a form of release for the sexual desires and thoughts that other women can arouse in me, and in no way is equivalent to actually contemplating, let alone performing, any sort of act of infidelity.  I think that even if the fantasies DID involve me having relations with the women it still would not at all be the same as cheating, and the fact that my fantasies simply involve a voyeuristic enjoyment from them, having an orgasm is one more reason she should not feel threatened.  Of course, at a practical and personal level, if this bothers her then it is a problem for our relationship.  But I want to know if, in a more general sense, fantasizing about other women and masturbating to these fantasies is considered something that is intrinsically unhealthy for a relationship and undermines it, or if it is that something that can usually coexist with a solid and committed relationship.

mosimage}This issue is a very personal one. If you are a firm believer in the Bible, then clearly fantasizing about other women is not allowed. But if you want my opinion, there’s nothing wrong with it, especially if the fantasies are about women that you cannot have. In other words, if you are fantasizing about some top model or young starlet, whom you’re never going to meet, then there’s no risk. On the other hand, if your fantasies are about a co-worker whom you see every day, then you’ll be more drawn towards trying to make them come true.

But having given you permission to fantasize, let me add a rule that I have about fantasies which is that they must remain private. Stop worrying about being honest when it comes to what is inside your own head. White lies are used to protect other people and in this case allowing your girlfriend to see what was going on inside your head will only hurt her, and your relationship. Being part of a couple doesn’t make you one person. You’re allowed to keep some privacy and when it comes to these fantasies, you should do exactly that.

While I’m at it, let me talk about fantasies that you do want to share. Let’s say you fantasized about making love outdoors but you’d never done that. My advice to you would be not to tell your partner that you wanted to have sex in the back yard, but to wait for the right opportunity, for example you’re at the museum and see a painting of couple having sex outdoors, and then asking her opinion. If she responds positively, then the two of you set it up. If she responds negatively, then you don’t admit that this was a private fantasy, but just keep your mouth shut. By the way I’m not saying that you have to give up on this fantasy entirely. You may be able to set up the perfect situation, total privacy accompanied by a romantic setting and a glass of wine or two, that might allow this to happen, at least once if not regularly. But it should appear spontaneous. If you admit to this and keep harping on it, then I can guarantee that your partner is going to remain less than enthusiastic if she doesn’t like the idea to begin with.