It had been more than four years since my last encounter, and the first time with someone I actually knew. Everything was going great, but something was missing..my erection. When she used her hands or mouth, everything was fine, but as soon as she let go for intercourse things went flat again, even when I was inside her. We tried again the next morning, with the same result. I've done a little research on the subject, and know that depression and anxiety effect sexual performance. I know that my anxiety about sexual performance is what keeps me from being confident around women, and that the resulting isolation and feeling of uselessness is the root of my depression, which in turn prevents me from performing and increases my anxiety towards sex. All I really want is to let myself go so that I can show her how much she means to me. And, of course, to express that physically. She was very understanding about everything, and we are already planning our next time together (we live in different states). I just don't know where to start. No one wants to be with a lover that can't please them, and the thought of losing her to my own flaws is a lot to bear right now.

This type of thing happens to many men, and it’s not depression but rather just anxiety. (It could be depression, but in your case I don’t think that’s the problem since you can have erections but can’t keep them.)  The more you worry about it, the harder it is to overcome. My suggestion is that you create an elaborate sexual fantasy that has enough going on so that it lasts several minutes. Then, after you have an erection and are about to begin intercourse, focus on that fantasy instead of what is actually happening. Hopefully the fantasy will allow you to push aside the anxiety and maintain your erection. You do realize that there is increased pressure because she is someone you see only occasionally. If the two of you could plan even a short vacation together, that extra time might also be helpful, so that if you failed once, you’d know there were more opportunities just ahead.