I have known him since I was in my 20's.  We had a great sex life until I had surgery for cancer several years ago.  Once able to go at the drop of a hat, I needed more warm up time and a tenderer touch.  If I said I was not comfortable, he seemed to resent this. As time went on, he started spending more and more time online downloading internet porn.  I understand a man needs visual stimulation, but I feel totally replaced.  Add to this, the images he looks at are disturbing to me.  Where I am no prude, some of the images, including toilet activites (including fecal play), OBVIOUSLY too young ladies and severe ( nailing breasts to boards is just the tip of the iceberg) bondage have REALLY made me upset.  The CARE has gone out of his touch, and I have seen a difference in his behavior.  Slowly we have stopped having sex.  I am very lonely.  He says he is happy with the way things are, but I am not. I am not in a financial position to leave, nor is that what my heart wants. Counseling is out for him as he will not go. I have always admired your work, and am hoping you can give me some insight.

You are assuming that therapy only works for couples, and while it is better if the couple can go, it is not useless if only one partner goes. As I'm sure you've guessed, my recommendation is that you go for marital therapy.

The reason I am saying this is that I believe your relationship is not in very good shape. You've written about the sexual side of the equation, which is obviously in disrepair, but my guess is that the problems go deeper than that, and you might not be admitting that to yourself. So by going for therapy, I would hope that you could learn the truth. Maybe you will decide to leave him, and maybe you won't. But I do believe that you will benefit from seeing a therapist, so make an appointment as soon as possible.