 I am 21 and my boyfriend is almost 30. We have been together about 3 1/2 years and I love him very much. Neither of us are significantly over weight. We plan on getting married in the future, but I am worried about his lack of sexual desire. I know that I have a veracious appetite for sex, but he rarely wants to make any sexual or romantic contact whatsoever. I will try not to ask or hint at trying to have sex, but when I do I am promptly turned down with a multitude of excuses accompanied by a whiny little voice. His complaints are very discouraging, but I'm willing to do anything to please him. I will stop asking, and nothing about sex will be uttered by either of us for almost 2 weeks. By then I am about to scream from the lack of attention, so I try to be sexy and come on to him. I really have tried having patience and giving him space and tried to initiate things. We aren't married and I am concerned about his unwillingness to compromise, or notice my needs, will cause problems in our relationship and our ability to start a family. We are very much in love and I'm very happy to be with him! I have asked him to go to the doctor to see if it may be lack of sleep or depression, but he puts it off like it is all right to be intimate once or twice a month (even though he knows it makes me feel very lonely and unneeded). In addition to this when we do have intercourse he gets in, gets off and goes about doing other things before I know it. I'm on the pill and we regularly use condoms, yet he still pulls out (even after using the condom, the pills and being together for years). He says he wants to get married in the next year or so, but it is hard to be with someone that ignores that sex even goes on in normal relationships. HELP ME! What is going on? Am I just addicted to him or is there something abnormal about us?
 It’s possible that he is very afraid of causing an unintended pregnancy. Perhaps he doesn’t have full confidence that you are actually taking your pills and might be trying to trap him into having a child. And this could be subconscious so that he’s not even totally aware of why he doesn’t want to have sex with you. If that’s the case, once you get married, the problem could disappear. On the other hand, it might not, and then you’d be stuck in a sex deprived marriage, which would be bad for you, and also, the underlying reasons for his lack of desire to have sex with you could eventually come back to cause deep problems. (For example, if it turns out that he’s really gay, not that I’m saying that he is, but only to give you a reason why you shouldn’t assume this problem will go away.)
Since you’re talking about getting married, and a marriage is supposed to last forever, and a sexless marriage starts out with a serious problem that could eventually cause an unhappy ending, I think you need to get to the bottom of this before you start to go forward with any wedding plans. And finally, stop putting any blame on yourself. He’s got a problem and he needs to deal with it or else you two are not going to make it as a married couple. If he’s willing to throw it all away just to avoid getting help, then I’d say this relationship is doomed so you might as well end it now.
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