 I am madly in love with a wonderful, beautiful woman. We have been together for three years, married for one. (We are in our late 30s). I am wildly romantic -- surprise picnics, good morning notes, playful and amorous. For the first 1 1/2 years of our relationship, my wife reciprocated. In fact, often, she initiated -- both the romance, the courtship, and the sexual relationship, which was delicious and hungry, but also deeply and soulfully connecting. It was amazing.
Eighteen months ago, she was diagnosed with genital herpes. I do not have it -- absolutely, no how, no way. I have been tested multiple times with the most accurate tests available. And she has been faithful, absolutely, 100% -- though, as a woman in her late 30s, she's had a fair amount of sexual partners. Since the diagnosis, our sex life has gone from being extraordinary to confused to sad to erratic to divisive to virtually non-existent. She has frequent outbreaks, despite best efforts to control the health problem. She refuses to give or receive oral sex, in fear that one of us will contract the virus on our mouths as a result. She rarely accepts my advances, let alone initiates intimate relations. She says she is always having an outbreak or on the verge of having an outbreak, and doesn't believe there is much urgency to our sex life unless we can both "benefit." I am completely devastated.
It's been weeks since we've been intimate at all. Recently, I was stunned when she began to touch me while we were watching a movie. But the touch was lackluster, disconnected, like she really wasn't present. Then it all became clear: she asked me if I could move my arm because she couldn't see the movie. No wonder her touch was lackluster. I asked her to please choose between touching me or watching the movie. She did. The movie continued to play.
I am a good husband, a good man, and I can only guess that all of this is some sort of ongoing reaction to the medical condition. But I have no idea how to handle this, or how to remain connected to my wife. (It is true, incidentally; sex is a very powerful method of connection for men). I have tried giving her space and time, support and understanding. I have tried taking the initiative. I have tried deferring to her. Nothing seems to work. I feel emasculated, taken for granted, and like my wife finds me entirely undesirable.
It is hard to let go of mourning the incredible sex life we once had.
Any advice you might have for how to support my wife, reignite our sex life, etc., would be greatly appreciated. Perhaps someone out there has dealt with a similar situation in a productive way? I'd love to hear from you.
 I understand that herpes can have a strong negative effect on a couple’s sex life and relationship. But I am a bit curious as to how she contracted this disease and wonder if that’s part of the problem. If you don’t have it, did she get it before she met you and it has been entirely dormant for three years? So much so that after three years of having sex she never gave it to you? She might not have had any major outbreaks over this period of time, but it seems unlikely that there weren’t some times when she was shedding viruses that you would have caught. Did you speak to a doctor about this? Because if she hasn’t been faithful, then that might explain a lot about her attitude. If she’s feeling very guilty, then I could see that adding to the problem. And if she cheated once, maybe that shows there’s a relationship issue between the two of you.
But if we assume that she got herpes before she met you and in addition to having a bad physical reaction at this time she’s also having a bad psychological reaction, then she should go and get some counseling. Otherwise a side effect of this disease is going to be the end of your relationship. A couple can actually draw closer together if they’re fighting some problem like a disease or a financial difficulty or whatever. But the opposite can also happen and the couple draw apart, so much so that the relationship can’t hold together. So since it appears that the two of you can’t handle the psychological aspects of this on your own, see if you can’t get some professional counseling to help you out.
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