My fiancé really likes to use porn during masturbation. He sees it as a tool that he has been using since he was a 12 (he's 31 now), and he says that he uses it when he feels lazy and doesn't want to create the image in his head to fantasize with.
Well, he and I were friends before we got involved, and we had had many debates about pornography. Porn just doesn't do it for me. It kills my sex drive and it feels like betrayal in a relationship. So, fully aware of how he felt, before we committed to a romantic relationship, I expressed that I would not be okay with him using pornography.
I made this boundary very clear, and told him that I would consider it cheating in our relationship. He agreed, saying that porn is just a tool for him and that he's not attached to it, and I am more important to him than porn. Thus he agreed to delete his extensive porn collection on his computer, and be rid of all of his magazines.
A few months later, I found his porn collection on his computer. I was completely enraged and hurt. He swore that he hadn't been using it at all, but he had several friends who wanted it, so he kept it. He got rid of it that day. To make a long story short, this issue has come up again. I'm going through therapy, working on feelings of inadequacy, and he has agreed to stop using porn. There was a misunderstanding for about 9 months when he was using porn because he thought that I was okay with it because of a conversation we had, that to my recollection was disregarded.
I felt completely betrayed, he swore he understood from me that it was okay. So, he is not using porn anymore, but as I work on these feelings, I still feel hurt. It's just the idea of my husband feeling sexual wanting for another woman, and imagining sharing that with her is painful for me. Don't get me wrong, I masturbate (mostly to him or experiences, but occasionally to other men) and I don't expect him to never think about another woman while he masturbates. I mean, it's hurtful, but he's only human, right? But with pornography, I just feel so hurt. And even now, when he's not using it, I have a hard time feeling open with him, and every attractive woman I see, I feel like he has desires for. It's driving me crazy. Please help!
While we are supposed to be rational human beings, very often our emotions overwhelm our rational side and it’s hard to deal with them. What’s interesting about your case is that you admit to masturbating while thinking of other men, but you still feel so strongly about him using pornographic images. Hopefully you’re aware that men are more likely to become aroused by visual images than women, a fact that should make you better able to cope with this habit of his. But even though you are going through therapy (and I hope you’ve talked about this issue with your therapist) you still are bothered with this issue to the point that you needed to write to me.
I’m not a psychologist, and in any case, I don’t have you in my office to ask you further questions as to why you feel this way. So what I’m going to offer you is not answers as to why you feel this way, but rather a little practical advice and if you decide to use it, let me know how it works out. I’m wondering whether if you were more in control over his use of porn if that wouldn’t help you. So the suggestion I’m making is that the two of you go surfing on the web and he allow you to select some images that he can save on his computer, with some discussion between the two of you so that they’re not all unappealing to him. He’ll promise not to surf on his own, but only use the images that you’ve approved when masturbating. I can’t predict which images you’ll find acceptable, but I’m hoping if the women and situations are ones that you’ve selected with him that you won’t be as upset. Good luck.
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